There are times, more frequently and consistently lately, thankfully, when My Self is in step with My Soul – my soul journey. My Self has taken a long and winding road, full of pot holes, steep slopes and obstacles on the path, shifting shape in subtle and dramatic ways, to find her way to My Soul.
My Soul holds loving space. Patiently waiting with full invitation for My Self to notice, to step in, to fall in, to embrace. Sometimes My Soul whispers to My Self to help My Self find her way. Sometimes she beckons loudly. She always trusts My Self will find her way back. If not in this breath, maybe in the next. If not in the next or the next after that, when there are no more breaths in the physical My Self, setting the non-physical free to blend back in with My Soul. There is no time limit. My Self manufactures urgency that My Soul does not assume, does not need, in the moment, a moment that could be a moment as we know it or a lifetime as we experience it.
When the two, which I have playfully named My Self and My Soul as I lean into what it is I am even trying to understand and discern here for myself, are in synch, there is a depth of stillness, beauty and love that envelops me in every way imaginable and emanates out in the world in palpable ways. Synchronicity flows. Miracles follow miracles and wonders never cease.
I have known this soul journey through unconsciousness, awakening, pain and sorrow, joy, love – to greater and lessor degrees. I have often thought there must be ways to get to it just from joy, that pain and suffering are symptomatic of the human condition and should be optional. There are easier ways, most of us just don’t seem to choose them.
Earlier today, running in a beautiful Nova Scotia fall morning, through my neighbourhood, down to the Bedford Basin, along the waterfront, up to and down the main road, through a path along a little stream, back in a quiet neighbourhood and along the lake to home, I was present to my physical experience. The air crisp and cool. The sun filtering through the leaves of the trees – what’s left of them anyway. My feet crunching through the fallen leaves. Not thinking of things but holding my own self, my own experience with curiosity.
I notice this sense of transition – again, never ending, always in it transition. I see the world around me, my actions, my work, me, changing, shifting shape all the time. Often subtlely. I feel things slipping off and new things budding. It’s often quite lovely. And I feel sorrow and joy. Great depths of sorrow. Great expanses of joy. Either of these experiences can evoke tears and either are perfectly okay. I am learning to hold them without judgment, just the noticing. Oh, and the allowing. Allowing them to flow when they appear – for joy or sorrow or any other number of reasons they may appear. And, of course, it is not just tears but any range of possible expressions of emotional state, many of which are quite delightful. Including stillness. Including exuding love – like a magnet, attracting people, experiences stories and more love. I am learning that when you travel the path of love, all things are added.
When I first moved into my house two and a half years ago, for almost two months I woke up every day feeling joy and delight. Every single day. It was so lovely. I understood that instead of struggle, perhaps joy could be the baseline experience that informs our journey, that we keep springing back to when we let go of whatever is getting in the way of joy. It was quite a revelation born of the wondering and expectation that was beginning to creep into my awareness that maybe one morning soon I would wake up and not feel joyful. I wanted to invite the level and intensity of joy into my life, every single day.
Then, financial realities began to hit. Time began to bleed, minutes into minutes, days into days. I could feel stress in my body and I knew it was being created not by my experience in this moment, but by my thoughts foraying into the future and the past, forgetting to reside in the beauty and okayness of Now. My Self separated from My Soul for a little sojourn in other places. My Soul tenderly held the space for My Self to explore. The exploration in service of soul journey.
As I listen to Esther Hicks channeling Abraham, a conglomeration of non-physical entities, and Abraham speaks about expansion, I’m now getting it. Abraham says, what’s the good of a banquet if they only offer what you want? Where is the opportunity for growth and expansion in that? If all my days had stayed only in that joyful place, would I have experienced this new depth of soul journey, where My Self is in tune, in step with My Soul more often, if some disturbance hadn’t entered my field of awareness? If they hadn’t shown up, maybe I would have been content to stay within the boundaries of my lovely new home because I’m sure loving my solitude when I have the opportunity. Instead, the murmurs of discontent show me what I don’t want, causing me to look for more of what I do want and then attract to me and my journey the most amazing, remarkable experiences. I’m shape shifting yet again and how lovely is that?
It’s not struggle. It’s not even transition. It is being, experiencing, allowing. There is no struggle if I don’t. Lots of letting go of illusions and opening up to more and more of what I want – My Self walking with My Soul more often, inviting me to show up fully, to hold space more deeply, to carry things more lightly and allow myself to be swept along to the next shifted shape that is the new hallmark of a journey that only gets better and better.